A Year from Hell

My experience with psychiatric medication began after the birth of my son. During childbirth, I was physically injured and was unable to walk normally afterward. Being suddenly unable to walk while recovering from childbirth and adjusting to becoming a new mother had a profound effect on me and was when I first began to feel myself entering a deep state of depression.

I was initially prescribed Zoloft. I started at 25 mg and was increased to 75 mg. After the increase, I experienced what I understood to be mild serotonin syndrome and psychosis. I experienced derealization, an altered sense of reality, and became intensely preoccupied with death, dying, religion, the afterlife, and questions about what was “real.”

I later had a genetic test done that showed that I could not properly metabolize Zoloft. Learning this was significant to me because I had already experienced such a severe reaction after being prescribed and increased on the medication.

Instead of my treatment ending there, I entered a cycle of psychiatric medication changes. Over the following year, I was prescribed numerous medications in an attempt to manage what I was experiencing.

I was prescribed Lexapro, Ativan, Klonopin, propranolol, Lamictal, Seroquel, Effexor, and eventually fluvoxamine (Luvox).

Lexapro was eventually tapered off. I was prescribed benzodiazepines during this period, including Ativan and, for a period of time, Klonopin. I was also prescribed propranolol. Ativan was used at different doses throughout my treatment, at times reaching approximately 0.5–1 mg per day.

Lamictal was eventually increased to 200 mg daily.

Seroquel became a major part of my treatment. I initially took immediate-release Seroquel and eventually transitioned to extended-release Seroquel. My dose ultimately reached 300 mg of Seroquel XR nightly.

Seroquel never made me feel better. I did not experience it as something that returned me to myself or resolved my underlying problems. While taking it, I continued experiencing anxiety, depression, exhaustion, lack of motivation, derealization, emotional distress, and persistent fear and rumination surrounding death.

Despite remaining on Seroquel for months, other psychiatric medications continued to be added or changed.

I was subsequently prescribed Effexor at 37.5 mg. Instead of improving my condition, I experienced severe night sweating, morning exhaustion, pins-and-needles sensations, increased social anxiety and rumination, and a particularly severe episode involving prolonged crying, panic, and anger. After approximately two weeks, my doctor discontinued Effexor and started fluvoxamine (Luvox).

Luvox was eventually increased to approximately 200 mg per day. At the same time, I was still taking Seroquel XR 300 mg and Lamictal 200 mg, along with benzodiazepine medication during portions of this period.

At this point, I was taking multiple psychiatric medications while still struggling significantly. I did not feel like I was returning to the person I had been before this experience. Instead, I felt as though I was constantly trying to manage new symptoms while medications were being added, changed, or increased.

Eventually, I decided with my doctor to begin coming off Seroquel.

The taper became one of the most difficult parts of the experience.

I went from 300 mg of Seroquel XR to 200 mg, and then continued decreasing the dose. Following reductions, I experienced periods of significantly increased anxiety, depression, derealization, fear, rumination, and obsessive thoughts. I experienced profound depression and lack of motivation and had an overwhelming fear of dying.

Over approximately 43 days, I went from 300 mg of Seroquel XR to 50 mg. During this period, I also reduced Ativan from 0.5 mg to 0.25 mg. I subsequently discontinued Lamictal and eventually came completely off Ativan.

I eventually stopped Seroquel altogether.

Coming off the medications did not simply mean returning to normal. I experienced significant symptoms during the process of discontinuation.

I am now also tapering off Luvox. When I reduced Luvox from 100 mg at night to 50 mg, I experienced significant nausea, almost complete loss of appetite, overwhelming depression, dread, and a feeling that my mind was struggling to settle. I have also experienced physical symptoms during medication reductions, including headaches, ear discomfort, and feeling physically sick.

One of the most confusing parts of this experience is that tapering off the medications has been extremely difficult, while at the same time I have increasingly experienced moments of feeling more like myself.

That has made me question how much of the suffering I experienced over the past year came from my original postpartum condition and how much may have been related to medication effects, medication changes, and withdrawal.

I don’t claim to have all of those answers.

What I do know is what happened to me.

I went from being a relatively healthy woman and new mother to being placed on numerous psychiatric medications over the course of a year. I experienced profound changes in my mood, motivation, anxiety, perception, and sense of myself. I reached 300 mg of Seroquel XR while taking other psychiatric medications, and when I eventually began reducing the medications, I experienced another wave of significant psychological and physical symptoms.

The hardest part has been feeling as though I spent an entire year trying to get back to the person I was before psychiatric treatment.

I am still figuring out what my baseline actually feels like without these medications.

I am sharing my experience because psychiatric harm is not always immediately obvious. Medication can become part of the story in ways that are difficult to distinguish from the condition being treated. Starting medications, increasing doses, combining medications, changing medications, and eventually coming off them can all become significant parts of a person’s experience.

I entered treatment looking for help.

Instead, I spent the following year trying to understand what was illness, what was medication, what was withdrawal, and what was simply me trying to find my way back to myself.

I don’t know exactly what caused every symptom I experienced.

But I know that my experience was real.