Symptoms: Akathisia, Emotional blunting, Cognitive impairment, Depersonalization/Derealization, Suicidal ideation, Tinnitus, Severe anxiety/panic, Muscle/joint pain, Anhedonia, GI disturbances, Vision problems, Head pressure, Headaches, Chest pain, Extreme fatigue
25 months ago, after being prescribed Xanax, eventually being increased to 3 mg daily, and trazodone 100 mg, I was informed that to get off the medication a one-week taper would be sufficient. I was given enough Librium 25 mg for a one-week taper and then told I would be uncomfortable but would be fine. All hell broke loose and I developed akathisia and became highly suicidal. My family took me to the ER, and I was given Haldol and Benadryl, treated like I was a drug addict, and promptly shipped off to a psychiatric ward. They denied that I had akathisia, they promptly drugged me, they put me on a phenobarbital taper and said I would be fine after that, and placed me on the drug unit, the drug and alcohol abuse unit. After 6 days I was discharged and was in just as bad a shape, if not worse, than when I was admitted. I threw all of the medication that they sent home with me in the trash and started researching and watching videos, even in my akathisia, just to survive. Honestly, I don't know how I made it. I watched videos, I read books after I could read, which took a few months before I could read again or sit still long enough. It was an absolute, indescribable hell.
During that time, with a family member, I went back to my original psychiatrist who mismanaged my taper and caused me to be injured so badly in the first place and begged him to prescribe some medications so I could taper myself. He agreed reluctantly, and he only prescribes the medication I was on: Xanax 3 milligrams daily, and it was converted to Valium 30 mg daily. I tapered the trazodone myself as well and have gone from 100 mg to 25 mg, and I'm holding at 25 mg of trazodone until I can get the Valium tapered, which is going to probably take years as I am so sensitive. I do a micro water taper that I learned to do myself on YouTube videos and Mark Horowitz's new book.
I am gradually healing, but I'm also looking back over my lifetime and realizing that my psychiatric medication prescriptions started in my early twenties, even having ECT treatments, and I can look back in hindsight and see that these medications have always been my problem, even leading me down a road of alcohol abuse just trying to stay alive. This is a terrible situation that has affected my life, my family, my hobbies, my quality of life, and everything that touches me and my surroundings. I have had cancer, I've been in the Marines and had PTSD, I've been through four divorces during my life, and nothing has been as bad as this coming off of these psychiatric medications. I am so lucky to still be alive.
I am 25 months into a very long taper and a long way to go. I am not out of the woods yet. I have gotten back into church because of this, believing this is completely demonic and evil. I've tried to get back into the community and be helpful to others. I have tried to make friends, and I schedule my days around staying busy and distracting from the horrible symptoms I still suffer from. Godspeed to all people going through this. I know there have been many, many, many deaths because of this lack of acknowledgment of this epidemic that is occurring right before our eyes. Thank you for letting me share my story.