Symptoms: Cognitive impairment, Depersonalization/Derealization, Suicidal ideation, Tinnitus, Neuropathy
I had just come home from a funeral of a friend who had died of breast cancer only to be told that another friend was in ICU from covid complications. I was told she was on life support. She died a few days later. I was shocked as she was recovering. The night she passed I couldn't sleep. I had a panic attack and for days couldn't sleep. I went to a naturopath who tried to get me to sleep using different natural products. Nothing she gave me worked. When she was unsuccessful in getting me to sleep she said, "you need to take Ativan". I knew my sister had used it for sleep so I called her and she brought some over. I took it and slept so I took it the next night and then the next. Well I began to have worse panic attacks that never let up. I ran out of it and asked my Dr. to prescribe me more. She did and to my surprise she prescribed half the dosage I had been taking. My sister had been taking it for years so her dose was 1 ml. My doctor had prescribed me 0.5ml. It didn't work and the panic attacks grew worse. Also, I found myself depressed and having 'dark' thoughts. I'm a Christian and the thoughts I was having were the opposite of how I normally think.
When the Ativan or Lorazepam stopped working my doctor gave me Clonazepam as it is stronger. The side effects were worse. The thoughts got darker and I thought I was losing my mind. I paced, I rocked, I patted myself to calm down but inside I was so anxious I couldn't stand it. I began to pull my hair as it seemed to feel good. I became paranoid of germs and developed OCD about washing anything anyone touched. I withdrew from people and couldn't go out of the house. I missed my little grandson's 2nd birthday party as I just couldn't bear to be around anyone. I'm an extrovert so this was opposite of my personality. My husband didn't even recognize me. I stuttered and slurred my words. My central nervous system was being damaged but I was so desperate for sleep I kept taking the clonazepam.
In the meantime I researched the drug and realized others were experiencing the same symptoms. I wrote a book while on the meds so I'd one day be able to help people going through what I was. I documented my symptoms, helpful things to keep me sane, like writing out scripture, breathing techniques, journalling, going out into nature. I did Zoom calls with 4 different counsellors and one psychologist trying to get better but nothing they said helped. I grew more and more anxious. I was anxious 24/7 and couldn't get my thoughts in order. Thoughts tormented me like a merciless demon. I couldn't go to church, out with friends or even to visit my little grandson. If my husband said something that I didn't like I'd lunge at him and wanted to hurt him. I'd scream at him and release the pent up emotions I was feeling. I'd shake my hands like one who has autism. I walked with my husband at night when no one was around and it felt like I was on speed. I had nightmares and would wake up from the little sleep I had in terror.
Again I went online and found a Facebook support group called Christian Benzo Warriors. Everyone on there was either on benzos, tapering or in recovery. We encouraged each other. We all had the same symptoms. One woman was tapering and it was so bad she committed suicide. When I got to the point after 4 months of taking the meds my husband firmly demanded I get off. I couldn't speak properly and the long list of side effects was worse than the insomnia I had in the beginning. My doctor was on vacation so I tapered off myself. I had read Dr. Heather Ashton's manual regarding tapering off slowly but I did it in 1 month as I was desperate to get off. It took about 9 months for my central nervous system to heal but it did. My sleep returned, all anxiety and depression left and I was able to smile, laugh, and enjoy life again. I had gotten to the point where I was sick from head to toe.
I now understand what mental illness is and am convinced it is due to the medications they prescribe. I had a type of PTSD from losing two friends so suddenly. I needed help for that and drugs are not the answer. The last counsellor I had was from the Bethel Transformation Centre in Redding California. She understood trauma. She prayed for me in such detail regarding my central nervous system where the trauma was trapped and where the damage was occurring. Thank God for people who understand that we are spirit, soul and body. After her prayers I started to recover. Slowly I was able to go out, pack to move to another province and make the 13 hour drive to our new home.
There is life after benzos and I am ever so grateful for my journey as now I am able to relate to those who are where I was. Thank you for making people aware of the dangers of these drugs. I live in Canada and here the names are changed to fool people. Please tell your dad that we are praying for him. I hope he will one day use his platform to tell the world how dangerous these drugs are if he hasn't done that already. What they do to a normal brain is a crime against humanity. God bless you and your family and thank you again for letting people share their journey.