BIND + SSRI and SNRI Injuries

I'm a 54 year old female who went cold turkey off Klonopin (clonazepam) four and a half months ago. I first was prescribed Ativan 11 years ago while going through a divorce. It was a miracle; it made me normal. Two years later, I was in the ER in withdrawal. After self reporting to my psychiatrist that "I like(d) Ativan too much, was finishing my prescriptions early, had become addicted and needed help," he told me I didn't need treatment and switched me to Klonopin because "it's safer."

At year seven, I started presenting with de novo psychological symptoms and was diagnosed with rebound anxiety and insomnia, ADHD combined type, OCD, PTSD, treatment resistant MDD. I was put on a slew of psych meds, including Celexa and Cymbalta, in which I had severe drug reactions resulting in unprecedented suicidal ideation, two suicide attempts, plus grade three rash and grade three diarrhea. I had no idea that Ativan and Klonopin were the cause of my depression. And, I had no idea the benzo damages were worsened by Celexa and Cymbalta drug injuries. My psychiatrist never correlated my cognitive and psychological decline with drug injuries, instead he practiced dangerous poly-pharmacy, piling on de novo diagnosis after another.

I did everything to get better, including transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Alpha Stimulation, IV and compounded Ketamine, CBT, Accelerated Reprocessing Therapy (ART), trauma therapy, plus intensive partial hospitalization (PHP) and outpatient stepdown treatment for unremitting anxiety and depression. But I just kept getting worse. I morphed from my psychiatrist's "favorite, easiest patient" to one of his craziest. He did not correlate my psychological and cognitive decline with my long term benzo use. He blamed, then turfed me.

I went from a highly functioning, super fit, successful, social butterfly with a kick butt, 30 year career, who did yoga six times a week, rode her bike 200 miles a week, ran triathlons and marathons, traveled the world on surf and ski trips, owned pristine, 100 year old home and lake front homes, who had too many friends and hobbies to count, to being a psych patient, with no savings or retirement and very few friends and family left, who can't get or keep a job or leave her house. I haven't listened to music or done yoga in four years.

When I quit, I didn't know that benzos were the reason my anxiety and depression kept getting worse and that benzos were why everything that I tried had failed. I quit because I thought I had early onset dementia. I know now that I've been suffering from Benzodiazepine Induced Neurological Dysfunction (BIND) since 2021, which started six years in to taking my first benzo and progressed from there. I used to be razor sharp and super smart. Now, I'm more like a bumbling, air head, basketcase.

I spent my first four months in Klonopin withdrawal in bed. I watched all of television. I had terrifyingly dark, obtrusive thoughts and persistent suicidal ideation. I was too weak to do anything about it. I was alone, and it occurred to me often that I could die and no one would come looking for me. My dog got me through. Her dog door got her through.

I'm up to 65 symptoms, most of which were there before I stopped clonazepam. Migraines, akathisia, diarrhea, depression, panic, obtrusive thoughts, and anxiety are still mindbending.

I just had a three week window of remitting psychological symptoms. Nothing in my crappy life changed, but I felt happy and light and giddy with hope. Last week, I was dancing at a concert with a girlfriend. This week, that window slammed shut, and I'm back in bed. Feeling better, albeit briefly, is evidence of the drug injury and also of my body's ability to heal.

I can handle the physical symptoms for the most part. It's the darkness that scares me. Doing anything about the depression and obtrusive thoughts that came back is like picking a glass up off of a table without arms. It's impossible.

I'm still on two antidepressants, (Auvelity and Caplyta), Dayvigo for sleep med and 900 MG a day of Gabapentin for anxiety. Each of these drugs comes with its own problems. But, I can only deal with one at a time, and the benzos had to go first.

I'm counting down time to month five, six, 12 and 18, holding out hope for a day I'm less stupid and depressed. I know many meaningful relationships, my razor sharp intellect, highly successful and lucrative career, and beautiful life, as I knew it, are long gone. My hope is to be physically and cognitively well enough one day to begin again.