Symptoms: Akathisia, Brain zaps, Emotional blunting, Cognitive impairment, Insomnia, Depersonalization/Derealization, Suicidal ideation, Severe anxiety/panic, Muscle/joint pain, Anhedonia, GI disturbances
I was a very high-achieving student as well as a star athlete with a bright future ahead. In college, I was studying to be an engineer on a full scholarship, however, that was not what I truly wanted to do. I felt the disconnect but wasn't sure what to do about it. After a 15-minute appointment with a gynecologist, I was prescribed Prozac, which was a newer drug on the market in the early 2000s. I was making nearly all A's, had a lot of friends, and held a part-time job. My school load was a lot, and I had some anxiety, but it was more around not wanting to be an engineer. Instead of talking through this with someone, I was given a pill. As someone who trusted the medical establishment at the time, I started my journey into SSRIs and SNRIs.
At first, my anxiety seemed a bit more manageable, but I definitely became sexually and emotionally blunted. I also increased my alcohol consumption. I never changed my major because the signal telling me something wasn't in alignment had now been severed. I was on Prozac for four years and eventually decided to come off it. If I remember correctly, I did it quickly and mostly on my own. This was around 2003-2004, so I don't remember every detail clearly. However, I remember experiencing episodes of severe panic, anxiety, and sheer terror. I would have intense crying spells and even bang my head against the wall. It was frightening.
I ended up being put on Pristiq, which was quite new at the time. I assumed I must be the issue because I had been told I had a chemical imbalance and, like a diabetic needing insulin, I needed my medication. My symptoms decreased almost immediately, and I stayed on the drug for a few years.
Four years later, I attempted to get off again, this time with the help of my GP. We tapered over about four months, I believe. Again, the effects were even worse: severe brain zaps, mild akathisia, terror, panic, and insomnia. I started slipping in my work duties and was told my "original symptoms" were returning, even though I had never experienced symptoms like this before the medication. I was put back on Cymbalta, along with Xanax as a bridge to help me stabilize. The protracted withdrawal symptoms eventually ceased, and I remained on medication for another five years.
I decided to try again, this time tapering more slowly over six to eight months. The withdrawal was even worse: severe insomnia, severe akathisia, panic, and terror. At the time, I was working on a film and could barely function or leave my house. I had never experienced such inner torture and begged for it to stop. I was then put on Effexor with Xanax short term to help me function and ended up staying on Effexor for another six years.
Eventually, I decided I wanted to try to get pregnant and knew I needed to attempt getting off medication again. By this point, I had deepened spiritually and had more therapy under my belt, so I committed to going very slowly. The taper itself wasn't terrible. It took around ten months, counting beads, though I still experienced dizziness and nausea. But four to six weeks after being fully off, the withdrawal hit in full force. My nervous system became my enemy. I became sensitive to everything: light, sound, people, food, everything. I started sleeping less and less and began having full-blown panic attacks in the middle of the night along with daily crying spells. The akathisia became unbearable. I experienced severe restlessness, dark thoughts, and rapid weight loss. Nothing helped. I could barely see people or leave my house.
After one or two months of this, I became desperate. They tried putting me back on Effexor, which made things worse. Then Zoloft, which made things worse. Then Lexapro. Then Cymbalta. By the end, I was on five different medications: Seroquel, Trazodone, Cymbalta, Lexapro, and Xanax. I felt completely disconnected from myself. I was sleeping two hours a night and begging God to take me. I wanted to die every day for six months. It was by far the most excruciating thing I have ever experienced.
I was repeatedly gaslit by doctors while experiencing what felt like a severe neurological injury. I was in full-blown psychosis and developed dementia-like symptoms. At one point, I was researching physician-assisted suicide in Switzerland because I truly believed my brain was permanently broken and no one could help me.
Finally, by the grace of God, I ended up at a holistic facility in Sedona, not a Western hospital, as I refused to go back into that system. They helped me get off everything except a very low dose of Cymbalta. I slowly began feeling more like myself again and started sleeping. I then spent an entire year tapering off the smallest dose of Cymbalta bead by bead while simultaneously dealing with severe PTSD from the entire ordeal.
I have now been off these medications for five years and still cannot believe how functional, balanced, and regulated I feel. I now realize I spent over half my life medicated, emotionally numb, disconnected, and exhausted, relying heavily on caffeine just to function. I have had to process a tremendous amount of grief and anger over what this experience cost me.
My heart goes out to anyone who has gone through this. There is nothing like it. I hope my story can offer hope because I am now fully functioning again. I still deal with migraines and food sensitivities, but I am profoundly grateful to be off these medications. Here's a link to a podcast with Dr. Josef: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEKMQ4G5tS8