Symptoms: Emotional blunting, Cognitive impairment, Depersonalization/Derealization, Suicidal ideation, Muscle/joint pain
I take Methylphenidate, Fluvoxamine, and Aripiprazole. If I miss a dose of Methylphenidate, even for a day, I get dark thoughts, agitation, and fatigue. Missing Fluvoxamine or Aripiprazole gives me headaches and mild nausea, but my mood isn’t hit as hard. It’s this constant rise and fall—sometimes I feel okay, sometimes I crash, and it’s exhausting.
I’ve struggled with OCD, mainly rumination, where intrusive thoughts would make me question things I knew to be true—but also obsess over things that weren’t true at all. My mind would fixate, trying to prove to myself I wasn’t living a lie, replaying and analyzing until night, when I could finally sleep—only for it to start again the next day. The medications help with that—they do what they’re supposed to, and doctors reassured me of that.
Even so, I feel limited by the medications. They can make me lethargic and unmotivated, even when I want to relax or do something fun. On my days off, I’ll often find myself needing to lie down alone for a few minutes, get up to do something enjoyable, then lie down again, repeating this several times a day. I notice I can focus better when I’m working alone; around others, I scatter and lose focus. Life feels like a balancing act—staying functional while dealing with the limits the meds put on me.
I wasn’t told much about side effects. They were recommended because they would “help,” but I didn’t really know what else to expect—the crashes, the fatigue, the way I can only focus under certain conditions. Learning that has been a heavy lesson.