Nightmares

Medication: Invega sustenna paliperidone (injection) and Risperidone (pills).

I was forced on antipsychotics because they thought I heard voices when it was my internal monologue. They never asked me, do you mean your inner monologue? Since I was doing an experiment trying to put my bipolar into remission, I got hospitalized. But they know I've always been fine on lithium or valproic acid, yet they forced me to take an antipsychotic. I had no choice. They threatened me with keeping me locked in and force medicate me.

I never even got the information on what it could do to my body, nor did they say "Hey, this can cause akathisia, GI issues, suicidal thoughts, cognitive impairment."

This experience was the worst I've ever experienced. Akathisia was the first one I immediately noticed even if the pills were in a very low dose, and the higher it got the more anxious I got. I would walk in circles for hours. Whenever I tried to rest, I couldn't. I had to keep up and walk fast again. It was like an endless marathon because even at night I would walk back and forth.

I couldn't sleep and it drove me crazy and scared. My personality changed. Anhedonia, emotional blunting, I got fat extremely quickly. I was on the lion diet and went from slim and muscular into bloated and round. What was the point of giving an antipsychotic if it made my bipolar worse?

It stressed me out so much I'd blurt out things on social media about suicide and I was desperate to get help with mold. The injection also gave me OCD (researching), so I'd sit in one spot and research for 16 hours a day. To make it worse I caught mold too.

I also started obsessive researching on how to commit suicide, how to heal from mold, mold contamination, mold symptoms, is it possible to heal from mold without cholestyramine, etc. Sadly, even if the thought of my family made me hesitate, it was so strong that I just wanted a way out of my body. What stopped me? The chances of surviving or a slow painful death. And also that I couldn't think properly. I couldn't even figure out a way to enter a building to jump off. I didn't fear jumping in front of a train either.

It changed my personality too. The injection changed a part of me that it freaked me out because I knew instantly something was wrong. Imagine that you're walking with someone you love and respect and suddenly your mind tells you to push them over the bridge. It also gave me violent thoughts and images to the point it was extremely disturbing and burdening (they're gone now, so I wasn't imagining). I've researched and found that antipsychotics and SSRIs can turn people into literal monsters.

So when I told these things to my doctor, he probably got scared. I had to let him hear my voice that was clearly telling I was losing it and breaking. He decided to cold turkey me off these meds that I'd been injected with for 4-6+ months. Also keep in mind that with Invega, it stays in your blood for an additional 6+ months or even longer.

Btw, just because it's a country where healthcare is "free or cheap" doesn't mean it's good. The system is broken across all over the world, honestly.

Now for the worst part: auditory hallucination during withdrawal.

I'll never forget this as long as I live.

In the morning, I heard my mom saying my name when I woke up and I thought honestly it was her because it was so real. She wasn't even home. It continued like this for about a few days.

Then I started hearing subtle sounds, pop sounds or small firework crack sounds in the corners.

Then it all started, ONLY AT NIGHT TOO. I started hearing people walking down and up the stairs in the apartment, opening up the door. It kept repeating for hours, it was crazy. It only happened when the lights were turned off. I started hearing footsteps and it freaked me out. My nervous system reacted as if I was in danger. I felt it in my skin, hair, and every breath I took. No one was there. The sounds stopped when I looked, dark and empty.

Even as I write this my nervous system remembers this as a trauma response. I couldn't sleep. I tried to distract myself with the phone and texting to some friends on the Internet. There it was again, the footsteps but this time it was as if someone was standing behind me. I can't explain it, but it's as if you hear someone walking behind your back and then just stares and looks at you. I never turned my back because I was too terrified. I've experienced visual hallucinations (undead, spiders, they were moving too) due to meds before (Lamotrigine, a mood stabilizer).

As the minutes went on, I would hear music playing, you know those small objects that spins around and plays music? That's what I heard. I'd also hear people mumbling, doing things, I'd hear screams in one ear, and as I'm writing this my skin is reacting, but my brain would tell me someone is looking at me. Imagine there's a head popping out of an open door and just stares at you. I'd see that inside my head and feel it as if someone is really there. When I'd go up, I felt as if someone wanted to pull me down under the bed. As if someone's hands were on my legs.

I heard a laugh. The wall turned red, as if an ambulance was outside, but it was extremely late and it'd be very rare for a car to be outside the front of the apartment because no one really drives at the front, especially not at these crazy late hours and when people got work too. Because no one was there. But the wall was red, how? I was terrified that something was going to come out of the walls. I couldn't deal with both visual and auditory hallucinations at the same time. It was my first time hearing auditory hallucinations.

I still get random monstrous images in my head and it seems to be permanent for now. I still sometimes feel like someone is walking past me when there's no one. I never had this, ever in my life.

Anhedonia: I still have this to like a 70%. It's very hard for me to enjoy things in life. It was already bad with the bipolar but now it's just worse.

I have issues with verbal communication now. I've been cognitively impaired by this but also other medications. Like Venlafaxine which is an antidepressant, and I had no idea about it and the doctor also told me I could stop them.

I've lost my faith in the health system. It's crazy. All over the world.

I hope this can help someone to decide. If I was struggling I'd turn to diet first. Ketogenic/AIP. And investigate on how to use vitamin B1 (only if you can tolerate vitamins, not everyone can).