Symptoms: Akathisia, Brain zaps, Emotional blunting, Sexual dysfunction, Cognitive impairment, Insomnia, Depersonalization/Derealization, Suicidal ideation, Tinnitus, Neuropathy, Severe anxiety/panic, Muscle/joint pain, Anhedonia, GI disturbances, Fatigue, Visual disturbances, Attention problems, Inability to stay still
I believe I became depressed after being put on the contraceptive pill at 14 for bad PMT. Within one year I was severely depressed. Doctors did not connect the two. This eventually led to being prescribed citalopram which didn't work. Then Paroxetine which I was cold turkeyed off. This caused what I now understand to have been a medication-induced mania but which doctors at the time said was bipolar disorder. In the two months after being CT'd from paroxetine I lost everything at the age of 24. My job, my flat, my partner, my friends, and everything I thought I was as a person. I experienced a very long period after this, of what they called severe depression (3 years), which the medics couched in the bipolar diagnosis, which I now see was the effects of the first neurological injury from CT. I was persuaded after year two to try lithium and venlafaxine. What proceeded was 27 years of trying different drugs which all made me feel worse and becoming more and more damaged by repeated drug changes, cold turkeys, up dosing, and adding more drugs. My physical and mental health declined.
Within this time I began experiencing periods of intense over-activation where I would pace incessantly and wring my hands, not be able to speak or engage with anyone. The more intense these became the more I was inclined to end my life, which I attempted 5 times. My cognitive abilities began to decline more and more over this time and my physical health worsened with me collecting more and more physical diagnoses that just didn't add up because I always ate well, exercised, and was social and involved in community. Doctors said that, what I now realise to be akathisia episodes getting more frequent and intense, was worsening anxiety and gave me more drugs. The only thing that seemed to break these episodes was suicide attempts. My life was a mess. It ruined my career, relationships, friendships, destroyed connection, created huge upset for my family and strain, ruined my ability to earn a living, made participating in what I loved more and more impossible, prevented me from having children, made me dependent on others, made my existence very lonely, often left me bedridden, and wasted my talents as a musician, actress, director, writer etc.
In 2019 I took myself off all the drugs I'd been prescribed over a 2 year period. This was without any advice. Over the time I was on all the drugs I had tried to come off 5 times, always cold turkey on the advice of doctors. Therefore I think I've been injured neurologically 6 times. I'm now into 4 years 7 months off all the drugs but am still experiencing very debilitating symptoms. They severely limit my life. My nervous system is still severely sensitised. I have had periods where the symptoms have reduced but life stresses have seriously affected my recovery. The worst symptoms are cognitive where at times I cannot even remember how to make a simple meal, can't read, listen to music, watch something, be around others, or speak. Crippling fatigue means that the active life I once had is very hard. In fact it is often hard just to get up each day and eat and wash. I have seen some evidence of healing. But stress has aggravated the symptoms. If I didn't have the cognitive and emotional symptoms I think I could cope with the physical symptoms and get on better. I am hoping for continued very slow improvement, but doubt that it will be a full recovery after 27 years on these poisons and repeated damage from CT's etc plus overdoses as a result of episodes of akathisia making death seem like the best option. There were times when legs wouldn't work. I am struggling with my arms currently.
I was never informed of the dangers of these drugs. Never properly advised on how to come off them. I have lost so, so much. It is difficult to live beyond surviving each day. Sometimes each moment.
I made a terrible mistake last year when I felt better for 5 months and began to improve cognitively. I drank alcohol which has set me back for 7 months. This is very clearly toxic encephalopathy. These drugs are neurotoxins and we should be given very clear information about the risks of such substances.
We are being poisoned. Do not take these drugs. I am aiming for as good a recovery as I can. Please listen to us.