Symptoms: Akathisia, brain zaps, sexual dysfunction, cognitive impairment, insomnia, tinnitus, neuropathy, dyskinesia
I was in high school in 2009 when I was first prescribed a psychotropic medication. I had a nasty concussion in a sporting event that led to weeks of insomnia, cognitive decline, and an increase in anxiety. Back then concussions were just starting to be taken seriously, but my issues were deemed a "chemical imbalance" that I had inherited, as both my grandmothers had a "history of mental health struggles." That was the biggest lie I was ever sold. I was on Lexapro on and off from 2009 to 2023 for maybe a combined two years. I don't recall too many issues during that time besides weight gain and sleepiness when I went on for brief periods.
In 2023 my world was about to change, and unleash a hell I did not know existed. I started Lexapro again before I started my second year of occupational therapy school. I took the pill, went to the gym, and came home. When I came back I could not sit still, my anxiety was out of control, and the world was ending. I was scared. I told my spouse something was terribly wrong. I now know this was akathisia, but at the time had no clue. After three days of this inhumane torture I called my doctor. I couldn't function and was getting really scared. He upped my dose of Lexapro and prescribed me Ativan. That first dose of 0.5 mg of Ativan knocked me out cold. I operated on this cocktail of drugs for a few weeks. I felt tired but wired.
About 12 weeks into this regimen I noticed things were really off. My grades were slipping, I couldn't go to the gym, my passion for therapy and school were dwindling, and my role as a husband and father were becoming harder. I went back to my doctor and expressed my concerns. He dropped the Lexapro and added Zoloft. Six weeks went by and I continued to decline. He stopped the Zoloft and added Pristiq and Buspar. This theme would continue for the next several months where I was prescribed and trialed on Lexapro, Zoloft, Pristiq, Buspar, Abilify, Seroquel, and Ativan/Valium. At one point during this mess I saw a PA at the same clinic and was diagnosed with ADHD and was prescribed Ritalin and a variety of other stimulants, but I refused to take them as I knew I didn't have ADHD but something else.
I went onto the internet and found the stories of Jordan Peterson, Christy Huff, and Chris Paige. Finally things clicked. I went back to my doctor, who I had known my whole life, and talked to him about akathisia, neurotransmitters, and GABA receptors. I knew I hadn't developed some mysterious illness. Rather, I had been poisoned, polydrugged, and cold-turkeyed to oblivion, and I scheduled an appointment to get help getting off the meds. When I went in for help and not a prescription, I was looked at like I was crazy. The doctor I had known for my whole life referred me to another clinic that specialized in "mental health." The help I thought I would get would not come.
At this point so much damage had been done that a slow benzo taper made no difference in my suffering. School, rotations, family, and everyday responsibilities were breaking me. I wasn't sleeping, I was pacing all day, and my mind ran a million miles an hour. The clinic suggested I go to a behavioral health unit. I reluctantly took them up on the offer. I'll never forget the pain in my wife's eyes as they loaded me into a cop vehicle and transported me to the facility. I hadn't been in there for more than 30 minutes before I realized I had been led astray and made a huge mistake. I paced myself to stay calm and got out after three days. I do not wish to share what I experienced in that facility. They put me on Seroquel and Prozac, and life continued on. Somehow I was able to graduate, and in the late summer/early fall of 2024 I quickly tapered off the Seroquel and Prozac. I was so far damaged there was no right or wrong way to stabilize or get healthy.
It is now April 2026 and I have been off all meds for almost two years after being on them for only about 20 months. The symptoms I currently experience are: insane body burning, it feels like every cell is on fire. My legs are affected particularly badly. The pain is indescribable. I also may have a form of dyskinesia or an extension of akathisia. My toes and fingers jerk and jolt. It feels like I'm attached to a cattle prod. My brain feels like it's three times too big for my skull. I have some form of PSSD. I can get erections but everything is so much harder and I have very little interest in things. Mentally things are somewhat better. DPDR and agoraphobia are almost all gone. The anhedonia is thick and I'm scared I won't have the endurance to see healing come my way.
I don't think I will ever forgive the medical community for what they did to me. Somehow I went from a good dad and husband, a healthy individual who worked out, a 3.75 GPA grad student and so much more, but the damage that first dose of Lexapro did was blamed on me. Since 2023 I've watched my small children grow up without their real father. My wife has carried the financial obligations that I should provide but can't. My dream career that was on hold for me is no longer available. People who know a little about my story tend to think going back on meds is necessary and that I'm doing a lot of this to myself. I have a great family and they help me out a lot, but there are some days that they are sick of all of it.
Overall I'm maybe 20% improved from those darkest days. I get a lot of inspiration from support groups who've experienced similar, and I hope that one day I can live a meaningful life.