Symptoms: Cognitive impairment, insomnia, depersonalization/derealization, suicidal ideation, severe anxiety/panic, anhedonia, GI disturbances
I was prescribed lorazepam (Ativan) in January 2022. I was dealing with seasonal depression, the weight of COVID, and the end of a relationship that meant a lot to me. My mood was unstable, but what really broke me was sleep. It slowly fell apart.
I tried to stop. I quit cold turkey. A few weeks later, I started again. That cycle repeated for a while. On it, off it. Each time felt harder.
During one stretch off the drug, I reached out for help and was diagnosed with BPD. It didn't feel right. That relationship fell apart, and I went back to lorazepam.
Then things shifted in a way I didn't recognize. I started having intrusive thoughts, intense anxiety, panic, and severe insomnia. Even suicidal thoughts, which I had never dealt with before. About a year later, I changed GPs. The goal was to stop, but I kept getting prescriptions. Somewhere along the way, I was labeled difficult. An addict. A problem.
Two years ago, I stopped again, cold turkey. It wasn't the safest way, but I needed it out of my life. It had too much control over me.
Some things have improved since then, but not everything. Sleep is still fragile. I'm sensitive to light, sound, and smell. My body has taken a hit. I've lost weight. I've had injuries, likely from exhaustion.
I've lost close friendships. I haven't seen my family in years. And still, I've kept working full time. Most people have no idea what this has been like.
The GP who was helping me eventually stepped away. That's been hard to sit with.
But I'm still here, still trying to find some steadiness again. I hope I'll find my way back to feeling like myself.