One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I've had depression for as long as I can remember.

I was first treated for anxiety and depression at around 12 years old and was put on my first SSRI and SNRI at that age. I can't remember exactly which one, but over the years I've been on Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, and Cymbalta.

They did seem to help with my mood, but at the same time I felt constantly nauseous, numb, and like I wanted to rip my skin off. It's hard to explain unless you've felt it, but it wasn't just anxiety. It was this unbearable internal agitation that made it feel impossible to sit in my own body.

I was taken off them fairly quickly because my family didn't really understand what was happening, and I was reporting those symptoms.

In my late teens, when my depression and anxiety got worse and became suicidal, I was put back on SSRIs again. The exact same thing happened. The same agitation, the same nausea, the same feeling of needing to escape my own body. I had to stop them again.

Around that same period, my food sensitivities started to become noticeable.

It began with gluten. Looking back, I likely already had celiac disease, which I was formally diagnosed with at 19. But it didn't stop there. Over time it progressed to reactions to leafy vegetables, then grains more broadly.

Around that same time, I was also prescribed temazepam. I experienced the same issues with it.

I tried stricter and stricter elimination diets beyond just gluten-free, trying to find something that worked. Eventually I ended up on keto. That actually seemed to help for a while, particularly with my mood and anxiety, so I stuck with it.

But over time things worsened again. My depression and anxiety came back, and my ability to tolerate foods became more limited. It got to the point where I felt like almost everything I ate was triggering something in me.

Eventually I tried a carnivore-style approach, and for the first time I experienced what felt like stability. I wasn't being triggered by food in the same way. It felt like my system could finally calm down.

Later on, I was diagnosed with narcolepsy.

To manage cataplexy, I was again prescribed SSRIs. Once again, I experienced what I now understand to be akathisia. The same internal torment, agitation, nausea, and overwhelming need to escape my body. I stopped them again.

After that, I was prescribed dexamphetamine and Ritalin for narcolepsy.

That reaction was even worse.

It hit harder and faster. I felt completely unable to function. My vision felt off, I was constantly dizzy, had ongoing headaches, and the internal agitation was extreme. It felt like I couldn't do anything except exist in that state, and even that felt unbearable. I was seriously contemplating doing anything just to get out of my own skin.

I had to stop those as well.

Since then, my food sensitivities have remained high.

I don't know if I've always been sensitive to things like light and sound, but I can remember at least being aware of it from around the age of 12.

I don't know how much of this is connected.

I have narcolepsy, which clearly affects my nervous system, and I don't know how much that plays into everything. But when I heard Mikhaila Peterson speak about akathisia and medication-related sensitivity, a lot of what she described resonated with me in a way I haven't really seen explained elsewhere.

The repeated reactions to SSRIs. The intensity of the internal agitation. The progressive increase in sensitivity. The way food started to become a trigger rather than something neutral.

I don't know if what I've experienced fits into a clear category, or if it's a combination of multiple things.

But I wanted to share it in case it helps contribute to a better understanding of what's going on for people who have had similar experiences.

I'm hoping to learn more from the research and discussions around this, and I wish Mikhaila, her father, and their family all the best.