Symptoms: Restless legs at night, chronic acne, considerable weight gain (35+ kg), hair loss, apathy
I grew up in a broken home with violence and divorce, in the French countryside which is a predominantly atheistic society. I self-medicated from the abuse and trauma with alcohol, cannabis, and hard drugs from age 15 to 26. I was also highly promiscuous, encouraged by poisonous feminist ideology and hedonistic philosophy promoting "sexual freedom" and selfish pleasure pursuit.
In June 2016, I had an LSD-induced out-of-body experience where I suffered in hell for a few hours (I woke up with my wrists and ankles tied to a bed in a room in an ER), and after that in September 2016, I had a drug-induced psychotic break leading to my first two-week hospitalization in a psychiatric ward. No diagnosis was made, and no drug was prescribed afterwards due to my high sensitivity to the drug they gave me to stop the psychosis.
After this, I had a depressive episode and stopped using substances and sleeping around, but went back to it after a few months and did that same up and down twice until winter 2018–2019 when I had my first abortion, which led to a severe depressive episode, which led to another psychotic break (without the use of drugs this time) and another two-week hospitalization. The psychotic break was always a reminiscence of the trauma endured during the LSD-induced NDE hell experience and the fear of death associated with it (although I did not understand it was hell at the time).
In September 2019, I came to Canada to visit a friend, and there, in March 2020, God revealed Himself to me through many different coincidences, experiences, and people. I was saved and freed from my sinful addictions and born again by the Spirit of God. I had genuine godly sorrow for my choices and the pain I inflicted on others, myself, and God, so I repented, turned to Jesus Christ, and received His forgiveness and unconditional love for the first time. The woman who led me to Jesus Christ explained to me that I went to hell during that trip in 2016 when I shared it with her.
In March 2023, another episode happened after a powerful conference at my church which led me to a severe week of complete insomnia and a third hospitalization, where I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and prescribed Quetiapine 450mg. After nine months on the drug, I decided to stop in December 2023. It all went well until I went to another Christian conference in June 2024 and the same episode happened with hellish hallucinations. Fourth hospitalization for two weeks, they prescribed me 950mg daily Lithium and "threatened" me that if it happened again and I stopped taking my medication and got hospitalized again, I would have to get drug injections for my condition.
Quetiapine and Lithium both led to high weight gain (35kg in about a year), chronic acne, hair loss, apathy, and restlessness in my legs, especially at night. I was told that Lithium is dangerous long-term and can lead to strokes and severe brain damage by a social worker. So I have been very slowly tapering off Lithium since June 2025 to only be on Quetiapine (which is supposed to be safer), and I am seeing a Christian clinical counsellor and psychotherapist doing EMDR to receive more healing and freedom and hopefully be able to live without psychiatric meds.
My life and relationships have been impacted by this, this sense of being trapped in a situation where I have to take harmful drugs (given all the side effects I'm experiencing, these can't be good, they are clearly dysregulating my body functions; I never used to have issues with my weight, restlessness, acne, or hair loss before) and the meds aren't even healing the root cause of my emotional and behavioural issues, only covering up the symptoms. I'm stuck because if I don't take them I will have to get injections. The fact that it's dangerous to be pregnant while being on such drugs is also very concerning.
My relationship with God is especially impacted. My desire to seek Him through His Word and prayers and to do His will has been greatly dulled. My desire to do things that I love is fading away (I love sharing the gospel, singing, playing the steel drum, painting, and dancing, but I am dull and lacking desire for it). It's like my heart is slowly hardening. There are emotions that are really dulled, like sadness. I used to cry easily and I don't anymore, and I'd rather escape my reality by doomscrolling, although I have so much to be grateful for and I am. These drugs are slowly deteriorating who I am, and seeing Mikhaila's video about the neurological injuries psychiatric meds can cause and the fact that I do have restless legs made me want to share my experience here. I'm not in that severe brain injury category yet, and I'm glad I was already on my way to find a path to slowly taper off my meds through therapy. Now with this information, I know I will be extra careful with all of this, and I hope I don't end up getting more injured but can find a path to healing and restoration for my psyche and my body!