Lasting Effects

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety at 15. I was a cutter and had suicidal ideation. I didn't like the thought of taking pills, but I finally broke when I was 24. I was prescribed sertraline (Zoloft) 50mg, which seemed to have helped a lot. A couple weeks in, I noticed I could no longer orgasm. I also noticed weight gain starting a couple months in. By four months in, the depression started creeping back in, so my prescription was raised to 100mg. It seemed to start helping again, but I felt emotionally dead. This pattern would continue until I was eventually taking 250mg three years later.

I started vomiting every morning and had tremors in my hands, so somewhere in between the increases I had enough and stopped taking them. Depression and anxiety returned, but I had no side effects from stopping other than loss of energy. Vomiting and tremors stopped and my sexual function returned.

Seven years later, my anxiety and depression became too much, so I went back to the doctor and was prescribed paroxetine (Paxil) 20mg. It helped a lot, but again I had sexual dysfunction and now constipation. A few months in, it felt like it wasn't working, so I stopped for a month because I didn't want to repeat my last situation. I started back up but I quartered my meds to 5mg per day. It seemed like less worked better, but I was gaining weight again and my cognitive skills were going out the window, so I stopped after five years.

I quit six months ago but I still have to read each paragraph multiple times to understand it. I can't understand speech at times. I can't seem to stay focused. I have trouble falling asleep. I can't think critically and have a hard time making decisions on basic things. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. My energy is still very low and the GI issues continue. I've lost the ability to have a well-paying job or any kind of meaningful relationship.