Symptoms: Akathisia, brain zaps, insomnia, depersonalization/derealization, suicidal ideation, severe anxiety/panic, GI disturbances
I was on my honeymoon when this took place, Mexico 2009. My husband and I decided to join a pub crawl the resort sponsored, a decision I wish we never made. By this time in my life, I had been on Paxil, Zoloft, and Effexor due to my OCD/anxiety. I usually had to change drugs every three to five years as the drugs would seem to stop working. I was taking Effexor at the time. Anyway, the night began super fun. We were having a good time going to bars and enjoying ourselves. Well, we enjoyed ourselves a little too much. We both blacked out and had no idea how we even were able to get to our room.
I woke up the next day, obviously with a pounding headache, and I knew something was wrong. I had this immediate thought I wanted to jump off the balcony. Just thinking that thought made me have anxiety and throw up. I jumped in the shower and felt I wanted to rip my body apart. It was a feeling so indescribable. It was like having a panic attack 100 times greater than a "normal" panic attack. Something was wrong in my thinking and in my body. We barely left the hotel room that day. One would think this horrible hangover would eventually go away, but it didn't.
I thought I was drugged. I thought the room keeper was stealing my medication because it wasn't working. I wanted to die. When we got back, I couldn't sleep for days. I have never experienced insomnia before and didn't know what was happening. I thought I was going crazy. I went to the doctors and they prescribed me an antipsychotic drug. I was desperate so I got my prescription. I can't remember the name of the drug, but my mom, an RN, was very concerned that that drug has terminal side effects if I wanted children. I threw the new meds out and didn't take them. I switched back to Zoloft.
In the meantime, I found a very good therapist as I thought I was going crazy. I could hardly function. Every day was severe anxiety, insomnia, depression. This lasted for over three years. Nothing I could do to make it better. I felt terrified and wished I could go back to the old me, but she was gone. My therapist told me it was probably a severe drop in serotonin due to the heavy drinking. But how could it have lasted that long? I still have never fully recovered.
We are in our 40's now with two beautiful children, a girl 13 and a boy 12. That experience changed my life and I have been navigating through it all with all sorts of different SSRIs, you name it, I probably took it. I'm currently taking Fluoxetine and Bupropion. As I look back at my life, I wonder if I had never started these drugs in the first place, would I have had a better handle on my OCD and anxiety naturally or with more therapy. The problem is, since I've been on them so long, I don't think my body could handle without it. Recovery from this is traumatic. I hope for people who have had this, that they find peace.
I'm so grateful to now have a name for what happened to me, akathisia. I have a lead, I have understanding, and now I can have closure.