Symptoms: Brain zaps, emotional blunting, cognitive impairment, insomnia, depersonalization/derealization, suicidal ideation, tinnitus, severe anxiety/panic, muscle/joint pain, severe body pain, dysregulated nervous system
I was prescribed an antidepressant by my GP for anxiety in a very stressful time in my life. I was excited, very happy, and about to get married and move out of my parents’ home. It was normal to be anxious going off into the real world, but I was labeled as having an anxiety disorder. I was terrified of taking an antidepressant because I had no idea what it was—it’s a very long time ago, before smart phones, I couldn’t quickly google it, and I was desperate to feel better.
20 years later I was on two different antidepressants, sleeping tablets, mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety meds. As the years passed all my symptoms just got worse, to the point where I was hospitalized 3 years in a row for 21 days, each time going home with more medication and never better—always worse. My doses were always increased, and most of the time one was added.
After my last hospitalization I opened my eyes for the first time in a long time… 20 years of my life had been stolen, and that was only the beginning. I safely tapered off all my medication except for my anti-anxiety medication. I’ve been off them for three years. For the first time in 20 years I could cry if I was sad and be genuinely happy. I am no longer depressed. Trust me, the damage those medications left me with should make me depressed.
I’m currently still tapering the benzodiazepine for anxiety, and never in a million years did I think what a nightmare it would be. The more I want to throw that medication at doctors with anger!! I cannot skip a dose without feeling like I’m losing my mind. I’m tapering so unbelievably slowly, but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done!
Why does the leaflet say don’t use for more than 4 weeks, but you leave medical professionals’ offices with prescriptions for six months? Why do they not warn you of protracted withdrawal? The one thing that drives me into the red is telling people you have a chemical imbalance!!!! If I did indeed have that, why did nobody over a span of 20 years test me? And tell me why, with countless medications in my system, I am getting worse??? Why does my body feel like it’s getting weaker and my mind feels like mush!!!
If that doctor had spent a few more minutes with me that day and told me that anxiety is not a disorder but the way our bodies work naturally in stressful situations…. Try exercising…. Work on your diet…. Seek therapy…. Sleep??? No… here’s a tablet and go…. Why am I getting brain zaps, why am I so dizzy and nauseous?? I’m really not feeling well, give it time they said! It takes a while to work they said!
My heart is broken for not waking up to the lie of these medications sooner! Please be warned: once you are on them, little to nobody will help you to get off them. Don’t listen to the lies that during withdrawal they say, “see… you need those drugs!” I’m 44, and the best years of my life were a complete blur. Please ask more questions, please do your research, try all other avenues before you decide to take any of these drugs. Meanwhile I’ll be here wondering how many more years it will take to get off benzodiazepines, and I’ll wonder when I will have a day my body will feel normal again??? When will the constant headaches and body aches stop? When will my ears stop ringing? When will the intrusive thoughts stop?
But one thing I can say is: I feel happiness in my heart again. I can cry again. The sparkle in my dull eyes is back again. One day at a time I will fight for my life back! God is on my side, and healing with a ton of patience is possible!