Losing Yourself

When I was 23 I was forced to go to a psychiatrist and take pills I never wanted. For the next 8 months I had been on 4 different drugs: sertraline, escitalopram, Effexor, Brintellix. On Brintellix, a few days after upping the dose to 15mg/day I had serotonin syndrome. During that night I had high temperature, chills, muscle cramps, I was so confused I was unable to use my phone to call the hospital. I have no memory of the next weeks. I am not even sure when exactly I started having side effects—was it already on the drug? Or maybe they started as I stopped taking Brintellix?

For the next year something was off. Some parts of me were missing—I didn’t enjoy things I did before the drugs, I had sexual dysfunction, problems finding words, short-term memory issues. That’s when I went to the psychiatrist again, told them that I have those problems and that they started because of the drugs I was previously on. They told me they have a different drug which is prescribed in cases exactly like mine: bupropion. I wasn’t told about the side effects. I was told it’s safe. I took it for one month only.

While on it, I became a zombie. I lost the ability to feel any emotions, any connection to anything. I can’t feel any difference between kissing a girl and licking a wall. Staring at a wall and watching a movie are the same thing to me. Listening to music isn’t any different from listening to a mosquito flying around the room. Meeting friends is the same as a next doctor appointment. Sleep became an unnatural part of the day. For 2 years I could sleep only for around 2 hours before I was waking up, lying awake for the next 5–6 hours and then falling asleep for 2 hours again. Yet I couldn’t feel tired at all. I had terrible short-term memory issues and horrible brain fog. I had days on which I was shocked that food I take out from the fridge is cold. On other days I didn’t know how to use the light switch in my room—it felt like alien technology. Those are just some examples of everyday activities that became unnatural.

Most of the time I am awake I feel like I am watching myself on TV. Like all the thoughts aren’t mine, but someone else’s. I can’t imagine things anymore. I also lost the ability to have internal dialogue. I used to be a daydreaming guy who lived in his head. Now I’m not able to do this anymore.

Besides that, I lost all feeling in the genitals. For a year you could hit my penis with a hammer and I wouldn’t feel a thing. To this day it feels like my genitals aren’t part of my body. I also have all other kinds of sexual dysfunction including non-existing libido, no erections and others. Since the drugs I am 100% asexual. I can’t feel any attraction, but the need to feel attraction remains. It’s like being hungry and someone stitches your mouth as a fix—you are unable to eat anymore, so everyone assumes you can’t be hungry, but you are. More and more each day. And I am stuck 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year, with all those symptoms and more, because I didn’t mention everything.

I’ve been to many, many doctors hoping for some cure, but there isn’t one. I’ve spent around $40,000 so far on doctor appointments, supplements, research support and other experiments that have even the slightest chance to return me to normal. Nothing really helped.

I was 23 when it all started. Now I’m 27, clean from psychiatric meds for 3 years and my problems still go on. It feels like my life is permanently ruined. With all those side effects it’s like I’m not human anymore. I can’t feel any emotions. Every day I have to fake that I’m alive. Some of the symptoms, like insomnia, got a bit better, but being chemically castrated and without emotions it’s not a life. I look at myself and can only acknowledge that I can’t do anything to improve my reality, while watching my friends as they start a family, go on holiday and enjoy life. I see all those things I will never get to experience. All this because someone else decided that I have to take psychiatric drugs.