Symptoms: Akathisia, sexual dysfunction, cognitive impairment, insomnia, depersonalization/derealization, suicidal ideation, tinnitus, neuropathy, severe anxiety/panic, muscle/joint pain, anhedonia, GI disturbances, catatonia, bruxism, sound/light/touch sensitivity
I was prescribed clomipramine for OCD when I was 20 years old. I felt coerced into taking it and had never wanted to go the psych drug route, but I thought that I could just stop it whenever I wanted and agreed to swallow the pills. This drug ruined my life for eight years—severe weight gain, numbness of my genitals, eventually bowel obstructions and many other “side” effects. When I decided to get off the drug, my life was in pieces due to trauma, medical issues, and the effects of the drug. I just wanted to move on with my life, be free of these godforsaken pills and get my health back.
About 20 months ago, at the age of 28, my psychiatrist took me off a very high dose of clomipramine (125 mg) with a three-month “taper.” I went into acute withdrawal (severe insomnia, tachycardia, crying spells) which my psychiatrist misattributed to relapse. He told me to go all the way back up to the high dose I was on and take Ozempic for the weight gain. I was intelligent enough to know it was withdrawal, but had no idea that this was a cold turkey. He provided no informed consent about risks or hyperbolic tapering.
About three weeks into withdrawal I developed anhedonia/chemical depression. Several months in I developed a horrifying agitation/akathisic syndrome—feelings of shrill terror, horror, inability to sit still, cognitive impairment, second-to-second suicidality, depersonalization/derealization, severe confusion, anguish, satanic acid trip. Every traumatic memory amplified x100,000,000. I couldn’t voluntarily suppress the agitation at work. I developed suicidal behaviour. Many nights were spent howling on the floor with an urge to end the suffering immediately. I assumed that this was all my trauma. In the mornings, a heavy feeling set in which I assumed was some sort of depression. By month 5 or 6 this progressed to full-blown catatonic episodes/paralysis in the morning with waking terror. I white-knuckled through all of this taking many sick days from work and out of my mind. I thought my trauma had exploded out of nowhere or that the drug had been covering it up. I had 50+ symptoms including vertigo, skin burning, face/throat swelling, histamine problems, inability to sleep, difficulty speaking, vomiting, absurd intolerance to stress or inconvenience, and somewhat of a partial attempt on my life.
I am now 90% bedridden with horrifying symptoms, at risk of homelessness, with no support system other than my wonderful psychologist. My psychiatrist was cruel and refused to provide relevant information to disability insurance. I’m stuck on a 2 mg liquid reinstatement of clomipramine (since month 13), as well as zopiclone and trazodone—all because I wanted off this terrible drug. I’ve worsened due to my mistakes with kindling/hypersensitivity to caffeine and pharmaceuticals. I’m stuck in catatonic hell all day and music often feels like torture. Total disaster.