Benzo Hell- 6 Years and Counting

The afternoon of November 14th, 2018 was a chilly one. I remember snuggling up in my blankets that morning with my cat purring at my head; it was so cozy there. Around noon I managed to gather up the courage, energy, and motivation to get out of my cocoon. “Maybe today is the day,” I said to myself, “maybe today is the day I start to get better.” I hopped in my car and drove 11 minutes from my apartment to a small office building. Reluctantly, I walked up to the door and opened it, finding a room filled with magazines and others that possibly had the same morning I did. That day, I was having my first psychiatrist appointment in a year. I got called back into the office and met my physician for the first time. Starting to name off all of the problems I had experienced for years, she sat and took every word in. At the conclusion of our time together, which was only for about 15 minutes, she handed me several slips of paper, one of them being a prescription. I looked down at the paper and read “0.5 mg Xanax once a day”. I told her thank you with a new found hope in my eyes. The hope that I would get better. But unfortunately that day, I walked into a physician’s office, and walked out with an ongoing 6 years in hell.

In 2016 I had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder by a licensed psychologist and took several different antidepressants from 2016-2017. My mental illness exponentially declined. I was in college at the time. I had taken myself off my medication in 2017 because I did not feel as if it was helping. Come fall of 2018, I knew I needed to get some help and get back on medication. Where I live, though, it is extremely hard to find mental health care. I tried calling different places around town and it was very disheartening: they were closed, wouldn’t answer the phone, weren’t accepting new patients at the time, so I ultimately gave up looking. My parents took over my search for help and I eventually got an appointment with a psychiatric PA.

My first appointment with her was very short. I tried to sum up all of my recent feelings and diagnoses with her in the short time of 15 minutes that she decided she would listen for. She ended up diagnosing me with panic disorder, because I was having panic attacks often, and major depressive disorder, to confirm my previous diagnosis. At the conclusion of my short appointment she handed me a prescription slip for 0.5 mg of Xanax, to be taken every day for my panic attacks. I looked at her and asked if there was any addiction potential. She assured me I would be fine and that if I took it as prescribed, I would have zero issues.

I did just that but my tolerance built quickly. She consistently upped my dose and by April of 2019 I was having 20 panic attacks a day and was prescribed 8 mg of xanax per day. In 5 short months I was given 16 times my original dose. Two months prior, in February of 2019, she diagnosed me with bipolar 1 disorder, yet continued to keep me on xanax (which I now know is not advised). I was heavily dependent on the drug at this point, with a tolerance through the roof. Every prescription she gave me had 5 refills on it. I was so tolerant that if I went a few hours without taking a xanax I would have horrible withdrawals. I once ran out of my medication for 3 days and almost had a seizure. I didn’t sleep or eat for those 3 days. I remember vividly screaming at the top of my lungs and banging my head against the wall. My mind was in a million places at once yet I couldn’t form a single thought.

Xanax changed my entire personality. I could never get out of bed, couldn’t eat, was extremely depressed, and it made my bipolar disorder even worse. In the fall of 2019 I realized I was addicted and went to my PA in person to ask if I could start to taper down because I was tolerant and miserable. She looked me in the eyes and told me, “no, I won’t taper you, you have to be taking this much.” That fall 2019 semester I failed out of college because of xanax. I moved home to get help from a different psychiatrist and therapist. In January of 2020 my new psychiatrist in Boulder, CO told me I was on too much xanax for her to help me- that the xanax was taking over my receptors and neurotransmitters in my brain so that any bipolar medication I took would not be able to work. She told me that in her 40 years in the practice, she had never seen a dose that high. She recommended a taper, but said that at 8 mg a day it would take me years to taper off of it entirely. I didn’t want to be on it a second longer- it was ruining my life. So I chose to quit cold turkey in detox.

I went to medical detox on February 14th, 2020 and then inpatient rehab a week later. I had to leave inpatient rehab after 2 days because my withdrawal was so bad I was in psychosis. I had every withdrawal symptom in the book, it was the most miserable thing of my life. I was hallucinating, delirious (believed things such as my mom was married before my dad, which didn’t happen), and would tell people of the strange things my mind was creating. In detox, I experienced extreme fatigue, lockjaw, loss of taste, and psychosis. After I returned home from rehab, I experienced every withdrawal symptom you could list: hallucinations, delirium, delusions, night sweats, head aches, body aches, loss of sight/hearing, memory loss, inability to concentrate, benzo belly, horrible rebound anxiety, depression, the worst tremors/shakes, insomnia, muscle spasms, loss of appetite, nightmares, loss of interest in everything…I laid in bed for 6 months in post acute withdrawal completely miserable, to the point where I wouldn’t shower, eat, sleep, or really do anything. It was a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone, not even the PA that did this to me.

I experienced these symptoms for months. I didn’t feel like a human anymore; sometimes I thought I had actually died. I felt so sick I couldn’t get a job, and of course wasn’t taking classes online because of this. I battled with these symptoms every second of the day. Despite being off the medication, my life was still consumed by xanax.

Next month, May of 2026, I will celebrate being 6 years xanax free. I am so incredibly lucky to be able to make that statement. I’m proud of myself for my resiliency, positive attitude, and strength. However, I wouldn’t be here telling this story if it weren’t for the careless actions of that PA. 6 years later and I am still in withdrawal. I have gained over 100 pounds, my anxiety is constant, I can’t remember many key memories I have made, I can’t concentrate on a single thing, and I get sensory overloaded all of the time. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the actions of the PA and the damage, trauma, and turmoil she has caused me. Xanax has permanently changed my brain, body, and life. I was never informed of any dangers, warnings, or lingering effects of xanax. I was never told it would be hard to come off of. I was never told to taper slowly. At only 20 years old I was recklessly given a medication that has completely altered my past, presents and future.

I share my story with anyone and everyone I can, and I am immensely grateful to be able to share it here, too. With more awareness, I hope this can stop happening to millions of people worldwide.