Symptoms: Akathisia, emotional blunting, sexual dysfunction, cognitive impairment, insomnia, suicidal ideation
I tried an SSRI a few years ago for being anxious, which has affected me my entire life. If I knew what I was about to get myself into, I’d never trade my mild mental health issues for what I’m about to say.
I was in school and saw a psychiatrist. I was under the impression that a drug for anxiety would help with all of my life problems. I knew others who ‘did the right thing’ so I chose to do the same. I was hesitant at first, and I let the bottle sit on my dresser for a few days. One night, I finally decided to go for it and took the pill. 1 hour later, I had numb genitals, and I felt ‘weird’ as I described at first. I remember trying to sleep, and felt wide awake. I was confused as I never experienced this wired feeling before. I felt strange and restless.
The next morning, I woke up to further side effects including no emotions, no libido, and to top it off, I only got 3 hours of sleep. I was panicking and telling my family that something doesn’t feel right. I quickly discarded the medication as these adverse effects were extremely disturbing.
I went back to school and had a mental breakdown. I felt like my soul had left my body. At this point, it had been 24 hours since my last pill. I repeatedly googled the half-life for the drug, which said I should be good in a couple of days. Fast forward a couple of days, nothing had changed. I told my psychiatrist who gave me a weird look when I described what the hell just happened. I was given a gene-sight test, and the drug appeared in yellow, which means I might not metabolize it correctly.
At this point, it was too late. I was in extreme distress. I was handed Seroquel due to the new insomnia I was also experiencing. Seroquel for sure did the job, but I was tired of feeling like I became roofied every night. The drug would make me blackout and suddenly wake up feeling hungover and awful the next morning.
I discarded Seroquel after a month of use. Luckily, I don’t believe it left me with any further permanent effects. Fast forward 6 months later, I began experimenting with supplements and further pharmaceuticals, such as Ashwagandha, Adderall, Vyvanse, and several other herbs. None of these helped — in fact things only became worse after each use. I developed anhedonia and began to feel disabled. I started to notice memory loss as well, but it doesn’t end here.
About 2 years in, I lost my job to PSSD, and started to give up. I went to a party that my friend invited me to, and I began to drink a lot. I couldn’t feel any pleasure or euphoria from alcohol or nicotine as these effects are suppressed due to the extreme blunting PSSD has caused me. I was so desperate to feel something that I indulged in party drugs that were offered to me. I just remember feeling overstimulated, but not much else.
The next day, I woke up with an intense feeling of inner terror, restlessness, and agitation. I immediately googled my symptoms and was brought to Akathisia. I told myself it couldn’t be that, and tried to carry on with my day.
Later that evening, I had a family dinner and went out to a public setting with a lot of people. I felt extremely overstimulated and appeared as if I was ‘dancing’ due to my legs constantly moving under the table and twiddling my thumbs. I felt like I needed to jump out of my skin.
I finally snapped after someone asked “What the fuck is your problem?” I got up from the table and told them I have to leave immediately. I remember running out of the restaurant and getting into my car, where I thought I would be safe. I was squirming in the driver seat and flying down the highway as a desperate attempt to make it home. I was ready to call 911, but my gut told me it would be a horrible idea. I finally made it home and began bawling in agony telling myself that I’m going to die. I ran to my fridge and grabbed a full case of beer. I figured it would help, as it was always my go-to for anxious situations in the past.
Finally, after drinking a few beers the Akathisia calmed down a bit. I was embarrassed by what just happened, but also mortified that I am now somehow experiencing Akathisia. I continued drinking until I blacked out that night, because I refused to let it come back.
The next morning, I woke up once again with my usual PSSD symptoms, but with the new addition of Akathisia. I began isolating in my house and just ‘surviving’ until night. I started to rely on alcohol for any event that involved leaving my house. Soon enough, it became every night alone in my house. I was fully unable to sleep due to PSSD and Akathisia combined, and alcohol was the only thing I found to fix that. I saw this as life or death. My thought process was to either take a beating to my health and appearance for a while, or take my life. I was drinking an entire case of IPAs every night which usually did the job. I required a lot of alcohol due to PSSD blocking the effects. I began to gain a lot of weight and feel awful in general. Friends and family noticed my new appearance, but no one had the courage to tell me how awful I look.
Fast forward about a year later, the Akathisia seemed to improve a lot on it's own, but at this point I had an alcohol dependency.
I was left with extreme trauma after surviving Akathisia, but now I noticed that I cannot go 24 hours without alcohol. I would panic if I didn’t have enough for one night, because it was the only thing that pulled me through this torturous experience.
Fast forward to now, I haven’t been the same since Akathisia. I was left with cognitive impairment, inability to visualize anything, and further anhedonia. I can’t even cry, and my eyes are extremely dry. I have since gotten a prescription for glasses as my vision is blurry now too. My hair is extremely thin, probably due to deficiencies from alcoholism. I struggle to hold a job because I have a difficult time thinking of words and I feel like a dementia patient.
While I still suffer with PSSD and alcoholism, I wouldn’t be here today if I ‘did the right thing’ and went to a hospital for this drug injury during Akathisia.
Thankfully, I had an amazing support system, particularly friends who also suffer with PSSD. If it weren’t for them, I would be dead.
Just one pill is the root of everything I explained here, so I just want you to know that PSSD is not dose-dependent. Unfortunately I was unlucky enough to find this out the hard way.
While I still suffer a ton, I hope my story can save others from turning their mild problems into a complete death sentence.