Symptoms: Emotional blunting, sexual dysfunction, insomnia, suicidal ideation, severe anxiety/panic, GI disturbances, self-harm (headbanging), aggression
I grew up in a dysfunctional chaotic family that did not fit my needs. Due to trouble in the family and in school, I was placed on several medications from when I was 13 to when I was 20 years old. I started out with stimulants at 13, then Strattera/Atomoxetine at 14. Strattera was tolerable at first but I noticed it was worsening my sleep, irritability, aggression, and minor sexual problems. After I was on it for 8 months, I had to fight with both my family and psychiatrist to get off and after I finally went off, I suffered withdrawal. They did not warn me about ANY of this.
Fast forward to 2018 — I was having more trouble in life reacting to my circumstances; I was sent away from home, to a wilderness therapy program, then a boarding school I hated where the staff recommended I be medicated. I was 16 and reluctantly agreed to try Celexa/Citalopram. I was not warned about any of the real effects, but I had some internet access so I looked up the “side effects” and I decided to go through, thinking they were minor and temporary. Instead, they impact me more after nearly a decade.
When I first took Citalopram, I became very aggressive and threatening. None of the adults recognized it was an effect of the drugs, to which they have an empirically justified black box warning, but blamed me instead. Thankfully it calmed down after a short while and after I fought to lower my dose from 20mg to 15mg to 10mg, I felt much better. Life on 10mg was pretty good, aside from dissociation and emotional blunting. But then I wanted to go off after a while. Unfortunately, none of my psychiatrists warned me how to taper.
I tried going off 3 times in a 1 year span, all of them cold turkey from 10mg to 0. The first two times were pretty tolerable, where I even experienced more emotional range and restored full sexual function. Then a few months after I had to reinstate from my second attempt, I lost most of my libido. I cannot remember if this was due to trying other medications, such as Wellbutrin/Bupropion, Guanfacine/Intuniv, or several benzos, or if it’s because I got COVID around that time despite being vaccinated. Regardless, I was bothered.
In July of 2022, I quit the Citalopram/Celexa cold turkey for good, thinking it would restore sexual function and only cause brief withdrawals. Instead, it exacerbated all of it.
I lost my sanity, cried waterfalls, hit my head very hard and acted like a severely autistic kid at times (I have a mild ASD diagnosis that would be seen as Aspergers like Anthony Hopkins and Elon Musk). This was devastating not only physically but cost me education, jobs, and family. To add insult to injury, I’ve had family members call police on me, make me take Klonopin after I made it clear I was not going back to Citalopram etc. Thankfully, after getting lab tests and trying new health routines, these episodes all but disappeared.
Now PSSD is another worse story with a deeper impact. I lost my sexual function long-term after I had to reinstate the second time, quitting dug my issue deeper, and it still has not returned even close to normal when I am only 24. My labs show abnormal results. I even had a sexual encounter where I couldn’t feel anything; it blunted what should have been one of the most important exciting moments of my life.
Now I am researching methods to treat my conditions and joining several communities of harmed patients. This is not only to vent but to find solutions after the medical system failed us. If I ever recover and heal from the condition, I will proudly share it. Until then, I will continue the struggle to feel like a human.