Two Years of Pure Hell

I was put on SSRIs (originally Celexa and then Lexapro and Wellbutrin) when I was in grade 5. I had some OCD tendencies and was having some suicidal thoughts before I was on the medications, and severe depression ran in my family. My dad had it, and was on medication, and my grandpa and great grandpa both were severely impacted by depression. So it wasn’t unreasonable to think medication at a young age was the answer.

At the same time I had juvenile idiopathic arthritis and was on Enbrel and Methotrexate to try to keep that under control. When I first started Celexa, it felt like my life did a 180. I could breathe again, I could sleep, I wasn’t as terrified to be alive. However in my teenage years I definitely was still depressed and this time had bouts of hypomania as well. I had almost no sense of fear with danger (climbing tall things and playing on train tracks), something that definitely normalized after recovering from SSRI withdrawal.

My depression worsened and worsened and in university I was swapped to an SNRI for a day (when I punched a wall and cut myself and felt like jumping out of my skin I immediately switched back), and Wellbutrin was increased to the point I had a seizure. I then stopped taking that which didn’t seem to cause any noticeable withdrawal. One of the worst side effects of being on those SSRIs, other than completely numb genitalia was severe restless leg syndrome. I remember riding the bus from Toronto to Montreal at one point, sitting in the back curled against the wall pounding my thighs to try to relieve the crawling sensations, weeping. That was what they were doing to my body while I was on them. At that time I thought that was due to my other illnesses, the autoimmune issues, and didn’t realize it was a classic SSRI side effect. When I think about restless legs now I can still almost feel it.

When I was 23 I put my depression and arthritis into remission with a paleo diet, that I attempted out of desperation after realizing that my health was so bad I might end up dead. Dairy free, soy free, grain free, mostly meat and some select vegetables. A keto diet in reality. Three months into that diet and I could feel my depression lift, something that hadn’t budged for as long as I could remember. I immediately decided to get off of the SSRIs and spent two weeks “tapering” from 20mg of Lexapro to zero. The first few days off of them I felt on top of the world, and experienced a joy I couldn’t remember ever feeling before. About two weeks after I stopped taking them, I tried to reintroduce a new food into my limited diet (soy) and my life turned upside down. For years I attributed these new horrifyingly intolerable symptoms to the food reintroduction but I now know what happened. I was plunged into antidepressant “withdrawal”. I didn’t just suddenly sprout neurological reactions to food that I had never had before, although I was certainly now reacting to what I was eating. It took me 3 years to figure out that what I went through for the following two years was a neurological injury from medications.

Antidepressant “withdrawal” is the stupidest term for what happens to someone when they stop taking antidepressants after long term use (or sometimes short term). It didn’t feel like opiate withdrawal (something I had experienced after using Oxycontin to get through a year with a hip and ankle replacement as a teenager). This felt like I had stepped into hell. I couldn’t see color properly, everything was in grey scale and pixelated. I had periods of being unable to talk. I had periods where I felt like I couldn’t move because I was petrified with terror. The feeling of doom was overwhelming. I felt like I was physically falling into a volcano while being chased by a bear. I had periods for the next year where I hallucinated demon faces when the symptoms got the most severe. A few of the times the hallucinations happened, after about 6 months, I gave in and used antidepressants for 3–4 days to get through the worst flare ups (that were very impacted by any variation in my diet). Antidepressants made it feel like I was on a net suspended above a volcano rather than falling into it. They didn’t even come close to fixing the problem but they helped me survive the worst days. I was pale, had low blood pressure, was shaky, I had fibromyalgia like pain all over my body. There were a few points where the feeling of terror and impending doom got so bad I wanted to stamp my feet and spent a number of days with my arms wrapped around myself rocking back and forth in an attempt to soothe myself. I was sensitive to light, and sound hurt my ears, and touch felt like too much. Smells got intense. The first year was the worst. The hallucinations stopped after the first year. But the sensitivities and depression and anxiety and fear didn’t stop for another year and until further dietary reduction.

After switching from the keto diet to the carnivore diet, 2 years after I stopped SSRIs, my depression went away, and 5 months later my lingering anxiety went away and I experienced joy like I never had before, for the second time I could remember in my life. 2.5 years after stopping antidepressants.

What I now know is that black mold and genetic sensitivities to it with a propensity towards depression have plagued my family and caused mental illness for decades. Knowing that, and using an all meat, plant free ketogenic diet has saved my mental health. But it would have saved it a lot faster if I hadn’t been neurologically injured by SSRIs.

I would never have taken them in the first place if I had known what lay waiting for me. I would have just dealt with the mental anguish of depression. The suffering from the neurological damage would have made me suicidal if I didn’t keep notes throughout my journey and notice patterns associated with dietary changes, which made me feel like I had a level of control, which I did, barely. If someone told me when I stopped antidepressants that the symptoms I was experiencing was antidepressant withdrawal, I would have just gone back on them. But once I had stopped for a number of months, the damage was already done and going back on didn’t help. Not that they were really helping in the first place.

The fact that ketogenic diets work for treating mental illness make it a travesty that these pills are even on the market. The ketogenic diet works by solving the problem. Psych meds are a terribly toxic bandaid with sometimes deadly long term consequences.

I’m still on an all meat diet to control any psych issues, and I believe I wouldn’t be as restricted if it weren’t for the years on antidepressants. When I get extremely stressed by family medical issues I do freak out more than a normal person would. I have a very difficult time sleeping still. I can’t tolerate most foods without depression and a lot of supplements without a recurrence of restless legs and insomnia. However I am healthy, happy, and have had kids without being on medication (SSRI use in pregnancy causes neurological injury in babies).

I can feel the areas of my body that are still damaged, 10 years after stopping SSRIs but I am thrilled with my life.

I wish my experience was rare, but it’s not. And I’m one of the lucky ones.